What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 30.06.2025 04:45
So, i spoilt her more .
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
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Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
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She was in good health!
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
Would this be the day?
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
I don,t even have a pension.
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Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
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He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
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She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
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I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
Especially a lifetime of it.
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But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
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As i do to all so called friends.?
I waited trembling.
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My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
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So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
But ive been too sick for many years..
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
She married twice! .
My mum and dad in the seventies!
He resisted the act ,that day.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
I never cut or harmed myself..
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
My life is so biszare .
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
I could never make a relationship work though!
And who doesn’t know suffering?
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
She wouldn,t have been !
Comes on , in middle age.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
I have no regrets .
Why did i forgive my father ?
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
I said to her
One cannot live in the past .
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
Ive learnt so much.
I was seconnd youngest,
I was very sick at this time too.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
My family never makes their pension either.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
But, we were locked up after school.
She found it foreign!.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
Who then, do I blame.?
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
The only rule us 5 kids had .
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
And i lived it daily.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
I write beautiful poetry .
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
Put me off passion for life!!
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
He knew the spot.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
He was dying to do it , i knew.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
(And it was in our own minds.)
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
I know ,a lot about trauma.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
I was 9 years of age.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
It was going to be , some day.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
This is soul school!.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
When she asked me how she looked .
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
I couldn’t, believe it.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
We all went to grammer schools
I was scared of men, in general
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
I think the readers, may guess!
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
All the time i was locked up.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
We were not on the streets..
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
She loved him until the end.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
So whats the point in blame.
What did i know ?
Im still living with it.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
Was to survive, this bastard.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
I will be 64.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
But it wasn’t much.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,